Social distancing is for the birds, right? I can’t stand it. It’s been tough on my family. No get-togethers, Sunday dinner with parents and siblings. Hanging out with close friends. Play dates with the kiddos. It’s all been taken away. I even miss talking to strangers. Never thought I would miss listening to the guy in front of me at Walgreens oversharing about how his most recent beach vacation went at eleven in the morning. Unfortunately, It’s for the best at this time. We’re trying to curve the acceleration of COVID-19 from spreading; and it’s been unanimously reported by epidemiologists, physicians, specialists, and elected officials that we need to commit entirely to social distancing until told otherwise. But how does that affect our capacity for connectivity?
It definitely makes an impact on our conventional ways of staying connected. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, we don’t get to spend the quality time in-person with those outside our nuclear family unless if you have a tape measure nearby. For the vast majority of religious communities, services have been cancelled. A lot of us across a wide array of different industries are working remotely, and it’s a 50/50 at best that you’ll be using some sort of teleconferencing software. Restaurants and bars are closed. Social and sporting events have been cancelled until further notice. Our usual avenues for connection are on hold for right now - and this may not change for quite some time.
Why is connectivity important?
In Emily Esfahani Smith’s book The Power of Meaning - Crafting a Life That Matters, the author identifies the four pillars of meaning - purpose, storytelling, transcendence, and belonging. When we craft meaning in our lives, it empowers us to put into context our own suffering and the suffering of those around us. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it does allow for us to process and digest these experiences. It has also been found in neuroscience that we regulate emotions naturally in dyads, meaning two people. Next time your mother’s on the phone with you about her anxiety regarding the tense political climate, just remember she’s trying to regulate her emotions - albeit in a potentially taxing way on your part. We manage our thoughts to allow for a new experience that gives a more accurate and constructive perspective. It also has a massive impact on your immune system! Strong connectivity is important because it promotes a sense of belonging.
We all need to feel understood, recognized, and affirmed by our friends, family members, and romantic partners. We al need to give and receive affection. We all need to find our tribe. In other words, we all need to feel that we belong. - Emily Esfahani Smith
So what are we looking for in our interactions? Well, our interactions with others need to have quality - meaning we are as present as we can be. There should be a positive regard. That’s not the same as positive, as we still want to allow our loved ones and those in our community to have the capacity to share whatever’s going on in their lives - positive or negative. But we must express that we care for and are impacted by one another. These interactions should also be frequent - at least several times a day we should strive to connect. We cannot force someone to reciprocate this connectivity, but we can choose to value or devalue them. We can invite people to belong.
Examples of connection
1) Carve out communal time for your own household - this is a great place to start. Sit your family down and etch out a time that can be agreed upon that everyone puts away their devices and intentionally spend time together. This can be dinner, a walk together around the neighborhood, or a board game or movie night. Believe it or not, the vast majority of marriages I’ve worked with during the lockdown these last few weeks have improved in their connectivity, ability to avoid marital gridlock, and balance of positive sentiment override. I don’t think it’s just because I’m such a great therapist (sarcasm), but that they are forced to just be. No distractions, the tug-of-war in responsibilities or socializing. This time has actually enriched their relationship, not irritated it. Be strategic and creative in how you are making time to connect with those in your home every day.
2) Book / media clubs - Pick a set of shows or movies and watch them together with a group of friends to give something to talk about. Netflix, Hulu, HBO, Disney+ - lots of different services out there to take advantage of their massive catalogue. I even have some family members that have watched the LSU vs Clemson BCS National Championship Game six times together. For me? Superbowl 44 - Saints vs. Colts. You can also put together a book club with friends and family. Pick a book a week to read, then set some time to talk about it. There’s plenty of access to free books right now - if you have a library card, you can download the app Hoopla and have access to lots of e-books and audiobooks. SimplyE is also another app where you can access multiple libraries.
3) Join an online community - Whether it be a message board, a facebook group, or subreddits on reddit.com, this can be an easy way to stay connected with others - even people you don’t know. There’s countless different communities for any sort of interest you can think of - gardening, cooking, mystery science theater films, workouts, sciences - whatever you enjoy. And it costs nothing but a little time to browse through these communities and get a sense for the climate and culture. For all the negative noise about gamers, a lot of my clients who play interactive games such as MMORPGs or competitive gaming have reported high degrees of connectivity these past few weeks. Though many aspects of life have stopped, they have managed to stay connected and have had meaningful interactions.
4) Reach out (safely) in your own neighborhood - there’s plenty of ways to stay in touch with what’s going on in your community, whether it be by phone, through the Nextdoor app, or just asking your neighbor (from a safe distance) how things have been going. It should come at no shock that there are people in your area who may be tremendously affected by this virus, such as those who are up in age. Some people may not know how to order groceries online or don’t know how to navigate through vital resources during this time. Or they just don’t have anyone to talk to. It is in those moments where one can have meaningful connectivity - by reaching out and touching base with those in need. Generosity pays in dividends.
5) Facetime happy hours / dinner dates - this has been a favorite for a lot of my clients. Setting up a webcam or laptop in a congregating area of the house and allowing family and friends to stay in touch. I’ve also seen people play trivia and other interactive games to help pass the time. Make it a weekly event with a social circle and don’t hesitate to make it festive. As silly as it sounds, it’s actually been reported as a huge lifeline for those in isolation to stay connected.
These are just a few examples, but there’s plenty of ways you can build meaningful connectivity and belonging in your life. Be creative. Be kind. Be safe.